Play, Laugh, Fun!

     It is easy to get so focused on the things that need to get done and forget to enjoy the little moments with the ones I'm doing everything for.  As a mom with a houseful of kids there is constantly something I could be doing, and it probably needs to be done.  However, I find that when I try to keep up every minute on what I "have" to do, I am grouchier towards the kids, and end up hurting relationship.
     Sometimes I just need to let the dishes and laundry and vacuuming wait so that I can just be here with the kids, for the kids.  They need to talk, play, show off for me, and have my total attention while they are just being kids.  They don't need me to be teaching, instructing, demonstrating, or correcting every second of the day.  Do they need those things?  Absolutely!  They also need to be enjoyed!  I forget to enjoy them too many times, I'm afraid.
     It doesn't have to be an entire day of that, or even a 2 hour stretch of time.  We do things like, tell our 5 year old, "Ok, ready?  It is your turn to talk about anything you want - tell us everything you want to talk about."  And then, we just let her talk until she runs out. The funny thing is, she has a hard time thinking of what she wants to say sometimes, but, it doesn't take long for her to think of something, and then the words just tumble out like ice from an ice maker.  Another thing I have done with my kids since my oldest was a baby : I sit on the floor to let them run, play, climb on me, etc.   When I get down on the floor, my kids take that as their cue to flock around me.  Then, I will pick them up and pretend to throw them or something like that(unless they're too big, like my 8 yr old, who I just push or tickle or something)... then they all go away from me, and take turns running to me one at a time so I can throw them or tickle them, and hug them now and then.   It doesn't expend a ton of my energy, but it does theirs, and they are just having so much fun, and feeling so loved at the same time.   We have to set boundaries before we start, so they know if I say "Freeze" they are to stop right where they are while I deal with a problem that arose or stopped someone from being hurt, etc.  If they don't respect the boundaries, then the game is over, but they enjoy it so much that they usually respect the boundaries.
     Discipline, schooling, manners, character building, chores (the list could go on and on of the things that are necessary in raising children) are all very important things.  However, so is love and play and fun!  Kids need both things from their parents, not only the serious stuff.  I know some of the serious stuff, most of it, is also love.  It's just easier for them to feel loved and enjoyed and that the serious stuff is for them when they are getting playtime and silly time, and fun, with us too.

Potty Training

     Potty training is one of my favorite stages as a mom, when it goes smoothly.  My second youngest will be 3 in June, and he has finally decided that its time to train.  So, the peeing thing is not so bad, other than the fact that he wants to "go pee" every 5 minutes all day long.  haha   I bought him gummy bears and gummy worms as a reward when he goes in the toilet.  There has been one successful "poo poo" in the toilet, and several "pee pee".   So, while I get tired of standing there all the times that nothing happens, I sure get excited for him when he makes it happen.  He jumps up and down, excited, runs out to inform everyone of his accomplishments, and then waits for his candy treat.   The other kids begin to smile and gather around him, telling him what a good job he's doing.  It's really sweet.  

     I don't claim to be the best at this, because in my mind, kids should be potty trained right around 2, not close to 3, which is when mine seem to train.  I don't have a ton of patience to put them on a potty chair and make them stay there when they want to get up every 2 seconds and run around - and then, of course, they end up peeing on the floor or couch, etc.  I want a potty chair like they had when my mother was training her children : one with a tray!  Put the kid in it, turn on the t..v to a favorite show, and let them relax enough to do their business.  However, the geniuses of the world today don't seem to think trays are necessary.  I, the mom who has little ones running around my house peeing in the wrong place, do think they are necessary!

     It's funny, too, the way that toddlers have no sense of modesty or embarrassment about their nakedness, or their bathroom habits.  It is the way God intended things to be - no need of shame or embarrassment.  It's something they can do that garnishes praise.  It's the only time that they'll be praised for this accomplishment, too. I mean, once we get past this stage, where they're completely trained, nobody is going to turn to a 10 year old and say "Good job,  you went pee pee!" haha  It just becomes part of daily life - a necessity.   The same could be said for us spiritually.  When we're young Christians, we need to be encouraged, trained to do the things that are to become a necessity to daily life - prayer, reading the Word, worship, going to church, etc.  Why then, do some of us (who should be mature) feel the need to be praised every time we open the Bible outside of church?  Somewhere along the way, we stopped maturing, lost focus on the relationship with Jesus, and made it more important to be noticed by people around us.   Just a thought that occurred to me, thought I'd pass it on. :)

Lies, Lies Everywhere

     My four year old has decided she is allergic ... to truth.  No kidding, she lies about the most mundane things, and the big things, too.  She also has a stubborn streak, and refuses to tell the truth even once she's caught in the lie.  Ok, so I had run the bath water, filled the tub with bubbles and toys, and instructed them not to lay down this time because we weren't washing hair that night.  I left the door cracked open and went into the next room while they played.  This is the conversation I hear after about 10 minutes :
T : Lay down like this!
S : Mama said not to.
T : Do it this way.
At this point, I sneak over and look into the room to find that they are both laying down in the water with wet hair.  I made my presence known, and I say to T, "Why did you tell your sister to lay in the water?"
T:  I didn't.
Me : Yes, you did. I heard you.
T : I didn't, Mama! I promise!
Me : T, that is not the truth. I know you told her to do it because I could hear you talking to her, and you said 'Lay down'.
T,now crying : Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I didn't!

     Instantly, frustration and stress begin to take over.  Why in the world would she lie about it when she knows I heard her?  We repeat this scenario over and over on a daily basis; the only difference is the subject matter.

     I have prayed and sought God on this matter, because I am at my wit's end.  In myself, I have nothing left to deal with the lying, but I know that God has a solution.  Each child is different, so there is no pat answer on how to deal with the issue.  One thing I can say, though, is consistency matters.  The Bible says that God will give wisdom to anyone who lacks, and asks God to impart it.   That is a promise, conditional only on asking.  So, all we can do is ask God, and then trust that He is giving us answers, and act on them, consistently.  Only that will bring about the change that we need, and want, to see in our kids.  Consistent, loving discipline is the key.

   

Let the Battle Begin

    Stare down!  Remie, my 16 month old, fixed his big, blue eyes on mine and the stare down ensued!  He held the animal cracker up by his head, arm cocked, ready to throw again.  "No, no." A glint of mischief shimmered through his baby blues, and you could almost hear the thoughts turning through his mind.  Then, the cracker flew through the air, and he giggled.  As tempting as it was to smile, because, let's face it, he's cute, I kept my expression serious, and smacked his hand, "No, don't throw food!"  The giggle stopped abruptly, and instead, a piercing shriek of a cry came out.  He was mad, and he picked up yet another cracker.  Our eyes locked again, another round of "No, no." and then the wait.... who would win this battle?  I knew I'd win the war, because it is my job to win these wars, but how many battles would have to be fought first? How many animal crackers would have to be sacrificed for the cause? Ha ha ha.  So, we went a number of rounds, and finally, he put the animal cracker on the tray instead of throwing it.  Victory!  Until today, when he threw veggies all over the floor at lunch time.  So, another battle, followed by him picking up the ones off the floor.  Such is the life with a toddler.  The only way to win the battle is consistency.  I have to tell the other kids not to laugh when he does it, to not encourage it, and I can't just "pick my battles" with that, because if I let him get away with it once, I can kiss any progress goodbye.  It is a constant "on" if I want to teach him to change his behavior.  Its for his good, though, and that motivates me to stay on it.  The same is true with so many issues; staying in their seat in a restaurant, not running or yelling in the store, etc.   Is it tiresome? Absolutely.  Is it worth it? Most definitely! It may take a few weeks, months, or years, but when someone comes up to you and compliments you on their behavior, it is the equivalent of a million "Good jobs!".

Family Dinner

     The Bible says we should confess our faults one to another, and that is just what I'm going to do.  I absolutely hate having to do family dinners!  I hated them when I was a kid; I felt like a mouse in a trap.  It was a miserable experience; don't do this, don't do that, do this, stop talking, etc.  Not something I wanted to partake in at all.  So, as soon as I was able, I escaped the torture, and avoided the trap ever since.
   
     Recently God has been dealing in my heart, and my husband has been strongly communicating, that we need to do family dinners.  Experts say that it is a very important aspect of a child's day, one that should be remembered as a fun time where the whole family shares and communicates and enjoys the fellowship.  Um, excuse me, fun?????? Dinner???  That is an oxymoron, kind of like a speedy turtle.  And we have tried over the years, believe me.  We all cram around the table, sit down, and there is this false sense of peace for the first 60 seconds, and then all heck breaks loose, because the kids are fighting to speak, twisting around until drinks spill, getting totally carried away with the stories they're telling while food sits untouched, and my head is pounding so bad, and my input consists only of  "Chew with your mouth closed." , "Sit down." , "Be careful, watch your drink!" and so on.  By the time its done, nobody is enjoying anything, some of the kids are crying, I'm so stressed I don't even want to eat anymore,and everyone can't wait to get away from the table.  So, my solution has been to just avoid eating with the family.  I generally skip dinner, and do work in my office, print schoolwork, or some such thing that gives me a good reason to not be with the family during that time.

     This last weekend, at our marriage conference, during one of the times parenting was being discussed, they asked us to allow God to speak to us about one thing that He would want us to change when we go home.  Compliant, I closed my eyes, asked God to show me anything He wants changed because, of course, I want to do things His way.  What do you think immediately came to my mind?  That's right, family dinner.  My heart sank in that instant, "God, I don't know how to do that!  I've tried and failed, over and over."  I realized that I had made a vow, so to speak, to never get trapped in a family dinner, and that I was letting my own issues keep me from making good memories with our kids.  I was also really hurting my husband, because it is a very important thing to him, that we eat all together.  I confessed that to God, asked Him to help me let go of my hatred for eating together, and to please give me grace to begin having good dinner time with the family.

     We have eaten dinner together this week.  We've begun playing a "High-Low" game at dinner - everyone takes a turn stating their high for the day, followed by the low of the day for them.  It gives us things to talk about, hearing what everyone is dealing with that day, and gives an opportunity to know if something bad happened,or is being felt, that we need to deal with.  The kids are absolutely loving that we are all sitting together and enjoying time together.  I still am correcting about manners, but it is in my heart to do it kindly and not allow that to make dinner be stressful and torturous.  My hubby is so thrilled that we're doing this, too.  Funny how something that seemed so small to me could make such a difference.

   

   

Modeling in front of a Mirror

     Have you ever had something important you were dressing up for?  Perhaps the day that would be most important for that was your wedding day.  You certainly wouldn't throw "some old thing" on and waltz down the aisle.  You also wouldn't put your wedding gown on and just assume it looks fine.  You want to stand in front of the mirror, make every necessary adjustment, tug this way, press it flatter here, and you are going to turn and examine that from every angle to make sure that what you see in the mirror is exactly what you want to  see reflected.

     Our children are our mirrors.  And we are modeling in front of them.  They observe every action, every word; every time we yell at our husband or criticize the way he handled something.  The way we talk to the kids tells them that they are either : Worthwhile or Worthless.  The way we love, or don't love, our husbands show them how to love, how to relate to their spouse when they grow up.  What do they hear us say to our friends, or under our breath, or to our husbands, when we don't think they're listening?  Are we complaining about them, about life in general?  Are we building our man up, supporting him, believing in him, or are we tearing him down, undermining his every move?  Not only will they mirror our behavior, but they will also equate God to be the way they perceive us to be.  Is that a sobering thought or what?  My actions dictate the way my children believe God to be.  Wow!

     My husband and I were able to go to a marriage retreat this past weekend.  This topic of parenting came up in a couple of the sessions, and they talked about the kids being like mirrors.  It isn't as if I'd never heard that concept before, or that I didn't know it to be a truth.  The thing is, in the throes of life, the chaotic mess that is reality, it is the "path of least resistance" to just snap, be angry, say the sarcastic remark that so quickly jumps to the tip of the tongue... but, I don't want to take that easy path and at the end have ruined and damaged my children.  I want to model to them an example of a loving wife; respecting and believing in my husband, loving him unconditionally.  I want them see and know deep down in their heart of hearts that they are worth loving; they have value and purpose and it doesn't matter what culture and society tells them is "beautiful" or "intelligent" or "worthwhile" - They don't have to live up to what the world says.. God has created them with purpose, and they are beautiful and lovable for who they are, not what they do or what they look like, and certainly not by how much they have!

     So, the phrase that I keep repeating over and over, and wrote in my little notebook given to me at the retreat, and the phrase that I want to be my motto :       -    Model what you want Mirrored    -  
"I can't do it, I'm going to fail!" is probably the thought that just went through your head, right? I know that's what went through my head at first as I listened and thought about how many times I've already failed.  However, God is willing to do it, He wants to empower us, but we have to cooperate with Him.  Nobody ever watched a baby that was trying to take its first steps and got irritated, went over and knocked the baby down, saying "You little fool, you can't walk!"  When that baby stands up, and wobbles and sways back and forth, trying to take a step for the first time, there is awe, and cheering and video cameras because it is a monumental moment, one to be treasured and encouraged.  Such is this journey to model in front of our little Mirrors.

Expectations

   Anyone who knows me, knows that I tend to be a perfectionist.  That tends to cause a lot of stress when things aren't "perfect".  I get frustrated with myself, with my kids, with life in general.  Well, resting/nap time today was anything but restful because my 2 and 4 year old decided that naps were just not happening.  I had to discipline them, continue going into their rooms and taking toys away, and just having a generally stressful span of time.  Following that, I was going over some schoolwork with my 8 year old, that he wasn't getting, and I was frustrated because I didn't know how to communicate it differently to him so that he would understand the concept.  Anyway, he finished up his paper and went outside to play, and immediately started knocking on a window.  I got instantly irritated, went over to the window and shook my head no.  He cheerfully parrots my action of shaking the head "no", mouths the word "no", and gives me a thumbs up and a grin, then pedals his bike off around the porch.  I should've just let his joyful spirit infect me, but instead, I turned around and ranted to my mom, "Why in the world would he start knocking on the window when he knows the baby is sleeping?"  She shrugs, calmly (as is her wonderful nature), and says, "You'd have to ask him that question."  Grrr, not good enough.  I go on, "I have such smart kids, but I swear that they just don't think sometimes!!" She looked at me, and said, "You get frustrated with them for things that are just kids being kids.  You expect them to think and act older, more mature, than they are.  Kids forget, don't think the way we do, and as long as you expect them to, you will be stressed."  That's all that was said at that point.  However, it was not a done deal inside of me, because her statement bothered me.  Should I not expect to have my kids obey me?  When I've told them every day for the last several years that when its "quiet time", they need to be quiet, should I not expect them to remember that?  So, I took it to God in prayer, and asked Him that very question.  The thought that I had, that I believe was from God, stopped me in my tracks.  I should have the same expectations in my kids that God has in me - none.  How many times does the Bible tell us how we are to behave? I know right from wrong, I shouldn't get angry or yell at anyone, I should forgive people right away and not allow offense to settle inside of me, and yet, I struggle with those things, and many other sins.  Is God disappointed in me every time I mess up?  Absolutely not!  He never has an expectation on me to perform a certain way.  There are consequences to wrong choices, struggles that come from taking a wrong path, and there are losses of blessings that He wanted to give me, but He is never angry or disappointed in me.  He lovingly chastens me, reiterates His will, the right way, and then allows me to make my choice.  What right do I have, then, to have expectations in my children, or anyone else?  None. That was, and is, a sobering thought.   It is also something that I am totally incapable of doing.  I told God that I choose to lay down my right to expect anything from people, especially my kids.  I need His help to live that out, and it will take daily; uh, let's be honest, minute by minute prayer and dependence on Him to walk that out, but that is my heart's desire.  I want to love and nurture my kids, not set high expectations upon them that they can't meet, only to make them feel inadequate.  That would be an epic failure on my part, and a devastation to their sweet little spirits.